4-08-2007 Day 8 Vivid Dreams

4-08-2007 Day 8

‘….as long as I am doing what I am supposed to do…what I am passionate about and love to do…I believe I can use this as my meditation and reach god…but wait a minute…I don’t exist…’ mag19

Dream:: I am on cruise…not sure how big the boat is or where we are going…the boat is very posh and I am traveling alone…I am sitting in the dinning room at a table near a port hole window…the window is open and there’s a gentle breeze flowing through that is warm on my face…I can see the water moving along side the boat and that is how I know that I am on a boat…i recognize a member from the retreat that I have nick named Red…he looks just like a character from the 70’s Show…Red is sitting at a table across from me and about 10 feet in front of me…he is dining with some that I don’t recognize…there is one other guest in the dinning room…he is sitting behind me off to the left…he is also sitting near an open port hole window…

This cruise seems to be a reward to myself for finishing the 10-day retreat…I remember the retreat…I over hear the waiters talking about the guest that is sitting behind me…something about his role in the movie the matrix…I glance over and see if I can recognize the character…I don’t…I hear the waiters talking about this guest again and I think that maybe they are talking about Red so I look in his direction…except that the waiters are talking to Red pointing in the direction of the other guest…so I turn and look at the guest…I take a good look…I still don’t recognize this guest…his back is to me…I notice something similar though…this guest is sitting near an open window and from where I am sitting I can see the water through his window…the water is moving in the same direction as the water is moving that is next to my window…except this guest is sitting 90 degrees to me…surprised I look at the guest again…still I see only his back…I watch him for a while…I think that I maybe looking at me…

…I am very much ready for the next part of my trip…I am in a good mind set…I am finding it difficult to sit and meditate…my body is so sore…I am working on different sitting and lying meditating positions…it has been difficult to concentrate for longer than a few minutes…my right hip is so sore that I have to lye down often through out the day…I feel like peanut brittle…I am feeling week today and I am losing interest in this retreat…maybe I should leave…I don’t want to ruin the experience I have had so far…perhaps I have learned what I need to learn…I’m not sure…Josh and Kevin want to leave too…

The schedule for tomorrow has change slightly…there is only one meal and more free time so we can meditate…I have not been enjoying the meals lately…I feel bloated…I have gas…I haven’t poop in a few days…if this food is so healthy than why am I so constipated…I need a steak…when I get out of here I am going to eat the fattest steak I can find…and ice cream…a bucket of ice cream…I am also very horny…every woman I see looks like a swim suit model…ok maybe not the nuns…but that uniform is dam cute…

I go to the hot springs to take my mind off things…incidentally the hot spring is one of the saving graces of this place…i’m not sure if I should leave or stay…funny though…it’s my ego that wants me to leave and my ego that thinks I should stay…even the ego fights itself…I find this amusing…Josh and Kevin decide to leave…I still haven’t made up my mind…I met a bloke from London at the hot springs…he too is having a tough time…he’s a smoker and this is the first time he has gone 8 days without smoking…he smokes 30 cigarettes a day.

I’m back at the dorm having a bath…there are no showers in the dorm…there are 6 large concrete tubs the line the perimeter…I sit on a little wooden stool and use a small bucket to bathe…it is one of the highlights of my day…it’s a really nice feeling…the cool water pouring over my body…the few seconds of chill…it’s peaceful…I feel special and take me time…soaping up my whole body…massaging the aches…the only weirdness is that we are not supposed to be naked…which makes no sense to me…it’s an all men dorm…so I usually bath after dark by myself so I can gear down…this night there is another person out…Ivan…he’s a 22 year old student from Hungry…attending college in Vienna…I tell him that I am thinking of leaving…he tells me to stay…he says that it’s only one more day…I look at him with the thought that English is his second language and hold up three fingers and say it’s three more days…he shakes his head…looks right into my eyes…holds up one finger and says it’s only one more day…he is right…I decide to stay…thank you ivan…

rest in peace

mag19