can I wait to taste your lips against mine…wait 4 ½ days…like wine and honey and as sensational is silk…I will wait…with the letters pressed against my lips…your smile pressed against my imagination and the touch…the single touch of your love in my heart…without words I get to know you…
my name is mark
I live in Canada
I am a scorpio
I am heading to India
I love chocolate
….this I know about myself…
is it possible to know each other from cement squares…are my thoughts appearing as the ink on your notebook…I wait for your response…
Dream:: I am at a meditation retreat…this time it’s located in a city…not sure where…I am walking…I think it’s Vancouver…I’m on my way to pick up my back pack…I’m not sure why it’s not with me…I am looking around at all the buildings and I don’t recognize anything…I feel that this is Vancouver…it doesn’t look like Vancouver…I don’t see a Vancouver…I start to think of my friends and that I haven’t seen them since I returned from Thailand…I know that next week I will be heading to India…I’m home for one week…I get an urge to look at my hand a my cell phone appears in my hand…except it too is not recognizable…it doesn’t look my cell phone yet I feel it to be mine…I look in the contacts to see if it is indeed my phone and I see reine’s name and number…I call her…the number doesn’t work…I call marcel and he answers the phone…I’m about to say that I’m home for a week and that we should meet up…I stop though mid sentence and look around…I think that I am in Vancouver, but as I look around I’m not sure where I am…I am not worried…something clicks…I tell marcel that I just wanted to say hi and that I am heading to a meditation retreat…we hang up…I start walking to my dorm…I know where I am going even though nothing is recognizable to me…the dorm doesn’t look anything like the monastery that I am use to…it’s a house in the city and I have never seen it before yet I know it’s the dorm…I walk in and go to my room…it to is different…not the concrete box that I have lived in for the last 9 days…
[End of the dream…or maybe not]
I slept in a bit this morning and when I get up finally I go over to Josh’s room to see if they have left yet…they haven’t…they are excited to go and I am excited for them…I mention that I just had the weirdest dream…but I don’t say much of anything else…I say good bye and go the pond to watch the sun rise…
I am sitting on a little mound of sand that I come to most mornings to watch the sun rise…it’s a nice little place near one of the ponds…I look at the sun and close my eyes…it’s the same sun that I have watched from the same location for 9 days…I open my eyes…but this morning…the sun is different…it is not beautiful…it is not ugly…it is the sun…it is different…I think is this how nature intended it to look…I have been thinking about the sun quite a bit since my arrival here at the monastery…I have spoken about the sun in my journal…is everything making sense…is that why I had my dream last night…is that the message…am I still dreaming…I need to write this down…
If I take away the word beautiful from the sunrise I let the sun be just what it is…sun…how nature intended it to be…I take away the personalization that the self creates…that self labels…the self uses these labels to control the mind…we have already spoken about that…labels provide control…they keep order and the self likes order and of course control…no surprises…however if I take away the self personalisation from the construct sun…the adjective ‘beautiful’…then logic would dictate that we should take away the noun ‘sun’ or the label ‘sun’ as well…nature doesn’t know what ‘sun’ is as that’s human construct just like the label beautfiul…a label or process we humans use for recognition…so we can know what we are talking about…however humans rarely know what we are talking about…it’s not possible as I have already mentioned…humans use past experiences and memories to created images and labels…or constructs…all of these past experiences we know to be corrupt…that’s how we can have a 100 humans watch a sun rise and all see something different…if our past experiences are corrupt…if the label ‘sun’ doesn’t exist then ‘sun’ is no longer part of our reality …the sun disappears…or in my case looks different…the sun will then re-appear as it should appear as nature intended it to be…it really hasn’t gone anywhere…first the sun appears in the old construct of a corrupt image and label called ‘sun’…then it disappears as my vision doesn’t recognize it…my vision is changing…and then it re-appears as nature intended it to look under a new construct without corruption…
1st there is a sun = past corrupt experience
2nd there is no sun = no ego or self to personalise the label
3rd there is a sun = new reality
Is this making sense…I feel slow…the monks have been talking about a lot of meta physical stuff in the last few days…ego reality vs. the new reality matrix…I feel a bit scared as I write this…I’m shaking I don’t know why…emotion is coming over me…if the noun ‘sun’ doesn’t exist in the new reality then what about the noun ‘human’…does it exist…what about the label ‘Mark’…do I exist…am I a part of the new reality…
I now know why I re-read the book power vs. force a few nights ago…it’s not a coincidence…the author says the same thing…he calls it ego reality and uses the following example…a-->b-->c…as the construct of the ego…b always follows a and c will always follow b…but in the new reality ABC just are…
Josh and Kevin left this morning…I wonder where they are…I’m glad I stayed to figure this out…perhaps my dream last night would have been different had I decided to leave…I’m not sure why I’m crying as I write this and my body feels very different…things are changing within me…my eyes feels different…I am not worried though as I know that I am a child of god and will be safe…
And then I look up to stretch my neck…and the sun is not there…
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON…WHERE AM I…WHY AM I CRYING…WHAT IS HAPPENING…I’M AT THE MEDITATION RETREAT…HOW IS THIS HAPPENING…WHERE IS THE SUN…IT DOESN’T LOOK THE SAME…AM I DREAMING…
I notice randy and phil sitting over on the island…I can see them chatting…balling I make my way over to them…concerned of my obvious state…they give me their complete attention…slowly…i try to explain what happen…I don’t know what happened…nothing like this has ever happened…instantly they understood…they knew exactly what was happening to me that morning and like angels sent from heaven proceed to break down my whole dream for me…I am not sure what I would have done if they were not on that island…but I understand now that in my new reality I knew that I would need guidance this morning and so phil and randy were constructed to be there for me…they called it break through…
The weird thing is that phil had a similar experience that night…he stayed out all night and meditated on that island…We spoke about my new vision…cause and effect…choice…concentration…constructs and governances…rules of the game that I now will need to decide upon which to believe…we spoke about moving between both realities because as they both said things like ice cream taste good…and now that I know how both realities work I should be able to learn how to control the self and move between the realities…
I was honest with them in that I know what they are saying to be true….but I don’t really understand what they are saying…phil broke it down like this…
‘Bird Chirping’
Previous to his mentioning bird chirping I didn’t hear the birds…I didn’t pay them concentration…thus the birds didn’t exist in my reality…everything is a construct of the mind…it will not exist unless I give it energy…think of the sky as the inside of my brain…everything I see is made up by me…everything exists as a construct of my mind…any law that I fundamentally choose to observe will govern how I act and what I see in this new reality…phil believes that there are over all rules…governances…that need to be followed to play in this game…one needs to respect these rules…things like food and gravity…everything else is up for me to re-discover…to figure out…grass is not grass…well what is it…it’s mater…no it’s not as mater is a construct of the old reality…grass is electricity…grass is nature…the path of least resistance…use nature to help reconstruct my new reality…
Nothing exists until I pay concentration to it…in the old reality there was no choice…it didn’t exist because the information we all use is corrupt…instead the self created cause and effect…but in actuality it’s only effect…the old vision would look at the outcomes of a decision say A and B…then use old experiences to decide which effect to choose…at the moment of decision the cause would become clear…the old reality uses my experiences to create my reality…thus I didn’t really see…I make the choice after I am aware of the effects…at that time I see what the causes are…
Storey:: a man walks along a path and comes across a cat preening it’s self…the man bends down to caress the cat…the cat rolls over on it’s back and begins to purr as the man rubs the cat’s tummy….a woman walks up to the man having seen what happen and kneels down beside him and asks, ‘who is being nurtured…the cat or the man?” (answer to follow in the next post)
Phil randy and I get up as the breakfast bell rings and today there is only one meal…they don’t want to miss it…although eating is the last thing I want to do right now…my body has absolutely no feeling other than what I describe as electricity…it’s not flowing…it just is electricity in the confines of a human body…everything I look at takes time for recognition…nothing is as it seems…tree…snake…food…I feel as though I am re-learning the entire alphabet…I am tired…I force some food into my mouth and randy and phil keep a close eye on me…I have this feeling of being high…like really good drugs…I am on shaky ground…literally it feels like the ground beneath my feet is less than solid…
I recognize many of the lessons that the monks have been teaching us this week…Buddhism is on to something for sure…ignore the constructs that the monks use as control mechanisms to separate the people…there is some really good stuff here…
I’m not afraid of snakes any more…I have seen a cobra here and several other snakes…
I spent the rest of the day reviewing what randy and phil taught me this morning…I am at extreme peace…I lay down under a tree this afternoon to meditate…within a few moments I am outside of my body…will this day ever end…I am looking at my face…staring…my vision is supremely clear…like looking through crystal…
I start to think about death…I remember hearing phil say that there are certain rules of the new reality game that need to be followed…rules not constructed by me…like food…I need to eat food to maintain my body…but my body exists only as a electricity…I wonder if I really need to eat food and would I die if I didn’t eat…I wonder if death is the ultimate reality test…
The other day the monks spoke about possessions…that possessions own us…for example ‘hat’…when I take hat off and place it on table I need to remember where I put it…thus hat owns me…not a big deal…it’s just a hat…however think about the typical stuff one carries once they leave their home…keys…hat…cell phone…wallet…bag…directions…cameras…all this stuff owns me…I need to pay it all attention or I might forget about it…then I see a starbucks…not just one starbucks…5-6 of them on a typical walk…so I must need a starbucks or why would my mind put them everywhere…see what I mean…possessions are just another way for our ego to control me…
rest in peace
mag19
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