4-11-07 …the construct of ‘self’…

to say that I am crying uncontrollably as I type this would be a bit of an understatement…the reason for my tears is unknown to me…I sit here in a comfy hotel bed…I am not in any harm and I actually feel quite good…I have checked into a hotel…alone…for two nights to sort out what I just experienced over the last 10 days…I know all this is a bit confusing…i left the monastery 12 hrs ago...i am by my self…josh has leant me his laptop…there’s a crack in the screen making this dictation difficult as I can only see about 25% of the screen…I say dictation cause at this moment I am unaware that I actually exist…I mean I must exist in a construct of ‘human’… ‘human called mark’ which is just a label of the self…I’m beginning to scare myself and I realise that this maybe the reason for my tears…I want to go back to the monastery…now take me back there…I cry…

my brother howard comes online…I a dash for what I call salvation I ask him to contact reine…it’s around 7am in Vancouver…wake her up…tell her to sign into msn…I need her…I need her now…this is my reality…she will understand…

the urgency of my msn tone must have been clear as reine appears virtually…of course she did…first of all she loves me and second of all she as everything else around me is a construct of my mind…what I believe will always appear…I am my thoughts…

reine and I chat for about 30 mins the context of which is not important and will be discussed in greater detail in the following posts…what is important is that within the 30mins the tears stopped…and another powerful lesson was taught…or in my case as I think back re-learned…watch the ‘self’ closely…

as soon as I realised what was actually happening…what really was happening using my new vision…using my new reality which I will explain later…I instantly recognized that my tears were a process of the self/ego to maintain it’s control over ‘ME’…fighting for Supremacy of the construct called ‘mark’…and the ego is so smart…and so tough…I know this because I created it…what better tactic…and I say tactic because this crying attack was an all out assault against ‘mark’ by ‘mark’…revenge for the last ten days of rogue behaviour…imagine…10 days focusing on one thing…removing the self from the mind…in fact how about removing the mind…how dare ‘i’ after all these years of taking care of ‘mark’ could ‘mark’ do this to ‘mark’…thinks the ego in beratly…laughter like that of james earl jones…HA HA HA HA…

it is true…I spent the last ten days learning about the self…it was a fantastic experience…and at the same time an awful one…the toughest thing I have ever done and the most profound as you will soon read…and tonight as I check in to a hotel to spend the next two days refining what I have learned…filling in the blanks…the ego/self is running scared…the control of human construct called ‘mark’ is coming to an end…the ego’s reign of the kingdom ‘mark’ is coming to an end…the ego/self will not go down without a fight…this will be a tremendous learning experience…a tremendous battle I’m sure…

it is my mere thought that I control the ego/self that fuels it in the first place by giving it existence…however I’m not sure yet how to actually deal with that…and according to the monks when I do…well they will begin to call me Buddha…ego/self in some mild form will be even in the new reality…at least that is what I believe currently…I am open to learning more about this question and will accept all forms of awareness on the subject…thanks in advance…gratitude is always important…incidentally I find my self praying a lot…gratitude and appreciation is part of my waking life…I used to pray only in the mornings and evenings…the beginning when I woke up and the end of my day when I slept…set the intentions…I still do pray in those moments…however as it turns out…every moment…and there are 1000s of moments in a day…1000s of realizations…just think about watching a movie and how many emotions can be felt ‘moment to moment’…this is realization continually adapting…taking in new info and storing…like I was saying every moment has a beginning and an end…fortunately for me I’m now able to witness this w/o the corruption and I’m developing my new reality…my new vision…

I think that it is important to note here just what happen as I’m sure there are many people that can learn from this experience I had tonight as we all have ego…

I left the monastery this morning…I arrived at the monastery on march 30th…it is an amazingly peaceful place…I learned truck loads about the ‘SELF’…as you I’m sure are aware of by now…at the monastery there is very little stimulation…this is on purpose as the monks know that in order for a student to focus on meditation and thus to develop their awareness they need to settle the mind from Dukkah = stimulation…the monks believe as I do now…believe me until about an hour ago I questioned it even after 10 days…that the craving for stimulation is what keeps the human construct lost…humans are constantly looking for stimulation…constantly wanting to keep the mind occupied…which is obvious to me now…keep the mind stimulated and the minds stays confused…confused enough to let the ego run a muck like a dictator…

The excessive desire for stimulus is quite obvious in our society… as it was in my life…even this evening…not too mention a few years ago…the challenge is though that the desire or addiction for stimulus doesn’t stop…nor does it cease or lessen…it is an addiction and the need grows in all of us constantly…I think that this is pretty easy to understand…let me know if you need more information here…the monks constantly focus on this topic and I know that it is because of how smart the self or the ego is in disguising the stimulus and camouflaging the boredom…incidentally now that I know this I understand addiction so much better…I know why music sounds good…and sometimes as I learned on the evening of day 10…it sounds as good as the most powerful of DRUGS and as dangerous…I realised that I have addictions…many of them…music…reading…my journal…breathing…food…love…all these are addictions…you maybe thinking that hey come on breathing is an addiction…reading is an addiction…how is this possible…well it is possible…anything that is habit forming even of it is a construct of a ‘healthy’ habit is still an addiction…including breath…some addictions though are a governance of the reality that we set for ourselves though…for example breath or food…in the construct called ‘human life’…we are under the governance that we need food and breath to survive and under this construct it is reality…change the construct though and who knows…I will talk about this more later so don’t worry about the insaneness of it…

Case in point…my hysterical crying tonight…what a better way for me to start loving myself again after 10 horrendous days abusting my ego/self than to have a good cry…fuel for the ego…feeling sorry for myself…wrap my self up in a comfy bed with comfy sheets and comfy pillows and cry endlessly…

Let’s look at the first thing that I wrote in this entry… “the reason for my tears is unknown to me…I sit here in a comfy hotel bed…I am not in any harm and I actually feel quite good.” Does this sound like someone who should be crying…of course not…why would I cry when I feel good...by all accounts crying feels good…it’s because cry is a great stimulus…keeps the mind occupied…especially a mind that is about to sit down and make permanent record of how to live with the self/ego…

Remember when I said that this will be a battle…the ego is not going to let go easily and will use what ever stops it needs to take to have it’s way…my tears tonight were just that and as I chatted with reine and worked through this realization the crying stopped…it ceased to be apart of my new reality which is completely under the construct of what ever I want it to be…this is such an important lesson to have learned on the eve of leaving the monastery…just how strong I let my ego grow in my old reality…wow…I need to watch it…

The need for stimulation after leaving the monastery was stronger than I have ever known it to be with in me…I wanted to bar-b-q a side of cow…drink three bottles of red wine…bath in a pound and a half of Belgium chocolate and sleep at the Ritz while making love to an harem of Victoria secrete models….give me stimulation…give me addiction…I just spent 10 nights separated from all that is natural…I deserve to be stimulated…

Well of course this is just false…I was stimulated at the monastery…clearly beyond anything I have ever experienced…I was stimulated with non-stimulation…monks call it mindfulness…enough stimulation to keep the self/ego/body/mind healthy…and in this balance I am able to see…really see…like I have never seen before…

I see clearly how easy it was to become confused by the ego and go over board with the stimulation upon leaving the monastery…most of the participants that I spoke with on the last day were going to reward themselves just as I wanted to…checking into this hotel was the best thing for me…allowing me to become grounded…allowing me to work out this new vision and practice living with it…

Incidentally boredom in the old reality is one of these constructs that is self mutilating…follow me here for a second…I just am realizing this…as the mind craves purer concentrates of stimulation…the good stuff…the body will become addicted and strive to fulfil this need…that is what we call addiction…it maybe to drugs, music, woman, tattoos, making money, working 14 hours a day or jumping out of airplanes…adrenalin junkies…yahoo…if we follow this to an extreme end it is pretty easy to see what happens…the mind/body of the old paradigm will continue in its endless search for stimulus…most of the world lives like this…the result will be unhappiness which in some form or another leads to death whether by unhappy natural death, sickness or the parachute doesn’t open…thus ending the constraint of ‘human life’ and what we currently know or believe to end the need for stimulus and cure our boredom…or plan B the current path that many of the people in our world are going through now and that is the path of awareness …mindfulness…settling the mind and the desire for stimulation…understanding how stimulation works so as to keep the necessary amount of it around…becoming aware of boredom and working within it’s constraints to keep boredom under wraps…

Either way…boredom…in it’s own fruition and by it’s own constraints will cease.

Peace

Mag19